My story ( pretext)

This blog is  not really for your  proper entertainment or for learning about something its  just a way I choose to let my feelings of loneliness scape . were a girl  so different than whatever you have seen  can let goo everything that  she cant let herself tell to people she know because she know that if she does so their lives might be more complicated.

Well I will tell you that I am a 18 year old girl that hasn't had any close friends apart from their siblings  . Well i've had friends but  seriously i don't keep in touch with them  i never learned how to .

This is because when I was young I was affected by bullying in school so badly that I believed everything they'd told me I stared to think I didn't deserved to have friends  nor even to be valorized by anyone in this world.  They always told that i was  dumb ,stupid, uglyand dirty. sometimes I didnt care I just got away fro them some times we could play arond together but it really never changed anything . the feeling of sadness was  apearing every sgle day just like all the moking names and prnks they did tome .  With time I undestanded that I should only be alone and only trust those ones who undertandde me ro have felt the same way
; my family that jhow I learned how to  stay in silence alone  spending all thoserecess ime and luches laone or not talking ro anyone  maybe someoe take d tpme once ina while  but  it didnt stopped  the gloom af avery cold and boring day at school . maybe I had one or two frind who I could I talk to but  they always ended up leaving or  lefting me  alone . I stard to be with my sisters but  they finally got tired of me being with them intead iof looking for frineds  my own friends . I becaume scared of that activity thakns to my current status in scool.

I remenbered there was a guy that was  new and his firt impresion of me was that I was nice ( he didn't exactly talk tome but I herd him .nfortunately the others conveince him that why anyone should be around me and told me about la the times a treat them bad because i was trying to defend myself  adn I didnt know  were to stop. sooner or latyer he became one of them  as well.


So after all that I stared to get used to be alone, to make up my mind so i cupld be alone and enjoy the silence just with my on thoughts , my own reeflexions. As i have said I spent most of my spare time at scool just like that. so then i could  spent alot of time being alone no matter if it eas at school or at a wating room or at a bank without minding. Thanks to this My gradees at school were good  there wasnt much for me to be ditracted on,  maybe at the beginning while i awas getting used to all. ( i recall i had terapy for that), but after all theywere good  toght i didnt win any award in that school for it.

By now you might be wondering why was I so taken apart from the resta at the begining . well t was just because of a  kiddy whim of mine that I didnt like to bath in th cold mornings tought we had hat water in the shower. and to make it worse i  sometimes peed in my pants .

This last thign wasn't really on prpuse most of it ewas made by a psycologic symtom towards  my parents missing when my litlle sister was born and imediatedly got internated ina hospital . She was going to be born with her twin but  the stupid doctors in that time wated too mucha and the firt baby passed out before being born as well my sister felt she had to die like aou sibling but fortunatelly  my parents and another good doctor that came from heaven saved her. and I thnak god I have her right by my side.

After la of these happened and got resolved some how (by somehow I mean multiple tiypes of terapys and appointmnts with psycologists  af all kinds), I deceided That if i was plannig to  be someone specila , someone who goes far  ( as adults encourages us to be and to take rresponsability aof the future as what we are) i needed to get out there. I didnt realay say good bye to much people there justo some of my teachers and i didnt tell anyone that i wasn't coming back.

Thought the issue of being afraid of meeting new people was scaring me. I was glad the enviroment was eventually going to change, tha everything wasnt going to be the same  adn that atleast f anythign bad happens i will aleast be in a diffrent place to digress in my mind.

A step nearby the future

Today was my last day of school, well,...not exactly but it was the last day of presenting works to gain scores.
I had to saty for 2 hour sin school to present my last final exams , one i would say that was ok; the other is the 1 I´m conserned because I couldn´t finish it .The teacher said tha he would give us more time but he afterall decided to arrange the scores in a way tha it wouldn´t affect our other scores and that he will do somthing about it.

After that i was thinking of spendinng the rest of the day in my house watching tv or else but my mom decided that I should start having college interviews already so she somehow get to know the dean form my career I picked and now I got my first interview tomorrow at 9 am  exactly in 11 and half hours. And Im not quite prepared. I just got like only the metality that i have to have. It still freaks me out because I dont have much in my side and I still got to wash the dishes .

Anyway I hope that I would start right when I finish writting this.

Ps: and after going to the bathroom...

current sister situation

Today my sister started the day saying she won't talk in the whole day except when she has to talk on the phone specially with her boyfriend  and if she has to communicates with people she would only use signs.

Her reason to do this is - as she says-  she has been complaining a lot about everything and she's been mad at everything so she decided to behavior like this so she wouldn't get any feedback that would annoy her. She likes to criticize most of the things she does or uses, but  that's the way she is. Maybe it's true she has been complaining a lot but she doesn't have to reach that limit.

In my opinion, I would say that it has been one of the worse decisions she had made because not talking it's a bad position to be in, not just because it is extremely boring but because you just get to understand the things that you are doing wrong but you don't get any feedback about it and that's very important to change.
 And after all a day without her talking is like reading a book with no plot or listening to a song without melody, or looking a painting without colors.( I think you've got the idea)

After all I hope that she realizes about this soon so everything could get back to normal

To my sister: Don't forget that I will always love you after all.

sister relationship concern

Today I heard my sister talking on the phone with his boyfriend( which i'm not suppose to hear but i sleep in the same room)and she was saying that the only day she was happy from this week was wednesday because she was out of home, in school making a short film, and i got concern about it.

First of all it's because our family is very attached , it's not the type of family that you would always see complaining with each other. We like to do things together like going to watch a movie or eating at a restaurant or going to a theme park. And second, my sister didn't use to be like this before.

I actually have seen that in some of those activities she doesn't take part at all and she looks like bored. I think that it might be because she is growing up and thinking that she shouldn't be doing those activities with her parents at her age, other cause could be that she gets bored of being with her parents that are scolding her most of the time or\and she only is happy when she is with her friends and boyfriend. I know that this must be done by my sister but, How will I make her notice that?

For now I would keep up the same way to see what happens and I would do what you could tell me to do.