This blog is not really for your proper entertainment or for learning about something its just a way I choose to let my feelings of loneliness scape . were a girl so different than whatever you have seen can let goo everything that she cant let herself tell to people she know because she know that if she does so their lives might be more complicated.
Well I will tell you that I am a 18 year old girl that hasn't had any close friends apart from their siblings . Well i've had friends but seriously i don't keep in touch with them i never learned how to .
This is because when I was young I was affected by bullying in school so badly that I believed everything they'd told me I stared to think I didn't deserved to have friends nor even to be valorized by anyone in this world. They always told that i was dumb ,stupid, uglyand dirty. sometimes I didnt care I just got away fro them some times we could play arond together but it really never changed anything . the feeling of sadness was apearing every sgle day just like all the moking names and prnks they did tome . With time I undestanded that I should only be alone and only trust those ones who undertandde me ro have felt the same way
; my family that jhow I learned how to stay in silence alone spending all thoserecess ime and luches laone or not talking ro anyone maybe someoe take d tpme once ina while but it didnt stopped the gloom af avery cold and boring day at school . maybe I had one or two frind who I could I talk to but they always ended up leaving or lefting me alone . I stard to be with my sisters but they finally got tired of me being with them intead iof looking for frineds my own friends . I becaume scared of that activity thakns to my current status in scool.
I remenbered there was a guy that was new and his firt impresion of me was that I was nice ( he didn't exactly talk tome but I herd him .nfortunately the others conveince him that why anyone should be around me and told me about la the times a treat them bad because i was trying to defend myself adn I didnt know were to stop. sooner or latyer he became one of them as well.
So after all that I stared to get used to be alone, to make up my mind so i cupld be alone and enjoy the silence just with my on thoughts , my own reeflexions. As i have said I spent most of my spare time at scool just like that. so then i could spent alot of time being alone no matter if it eas at school or at a wating room or at a bank without minding. Thanks to this My gradees at school were good there wasnt much for me to be ditracted on, maybe at the beginning while i awas getting used to all. ( i recall i had terapy for that), but after all theywere good toght i didnt win any award in that school for it.
By now you might be wondering why was I so taken apart from the resta at the begining . well t was just because of a kiddy whim of mine that I didnt like to bath in th cold mornings tought we had hat water in the shower. and to make it worse i sometimes peed in my pants .
This last thign wasn't really on prpuse most of it ewas made by a psycologic symtom towards my parents missing when my litlle sister was born and imediatedly got internated ina hospital . She was going to be born with her twin but the stupid doctors in that time wated too mucha and the firt baby passed out before being born as well my sister felt she had to die like aou sibling but fortunatelly my parents and another good doctor that came from heaven saved her. and I thnak god I have her right by my side.
After la of these happened and got resolved some how (by somehow I mean multiple tiypes of terapys and appointmnts with psycologists af all kinds), I deceided That if i was plannig to be someone specila , someone who goes far ( as adults encourages us to be and to take rresponsability aof the future as what we are) i needed to get out there. I didnt realay say good bye to much people there justo some of my teachers and i didnt tell anyone that i wasn't coming back.
Thought the issue of being afraid of meeting new people was scaring me. I was glad the enviroment was eventually going to change, tha everything wasnt going to be the same adn that atleast f anythign bad happens i will aleast be in a diffrent place to digress in my mind.
